A New Year Dawns

01/01/2014

Wow! Does it ever feel weird to type in that date!

I weighed myself this morning. My first logged into MFP weight for 2013 was Jan. 27. I started this year 0.6 lbs heavier! I’m considering that a success! I know my weight was up and down this year but I also know part of that gain is muscle. I’m fitting two pant sizes lower and a shirt size lower than last winter.

I stopped at the mailbox on the way to Mom’s. My Halele’a yarn arrived! I pre-ordered the Malana colourway from MustStash Yarn a few months ago. It’s a gorgeous blue-gray colour and so soft! I can’t wait to knit with it.

There was some miscommunication in my family over today. Mom and I and my sister thought everyone was getting together for New Year’s dinner tonight. Mom bought a ham big enough to feed the ten of us and thawed it overnight. My sister cancelled as she has the same cold her two year old gave me. That knocked us down to four. Then we found out my brother was working so he wasn’t able to come. My sister-in-law was busy at home after working a ten day stretch and wasn’t able to come either. So Mom and I had this big ham all to ourselves. I think my brother stopped by to grab a plate on his way home from work. It was a very good meal.

I started rereading Simple Abundance by Sarah Ban Breathnach today. I read it years ago but decided to read it again. It’s set up with a daily readings and things to ponder. It’s about being grateful for what you have and small changes or activities to help you live authentic to who you are. I’ve been struggling with who I am and what I’m here to do since my cancer diagnosis.

02/02/2014

It was a quiet day at work today. My arm was tender in the evening so I barely knit. I did 2.5 rows on my Malt blanket (by Tin Can Knits). I realized the other day that I need a blanket to curl up on the couch with. I pulled out some chunky acrylic I’ve had for years and cast on this baby blanket. Since I’m using chunky instead of worsted yarn it should work for a lap blanket.

I finished reading Inferno by Dan Brown. I haven’t decided what to read next so I jumped over to What Are You Hungry For? by Deepak Chopra which I’m also reading.

I realized tonight that I need to stop searching for who I am and just BE me. There’s nothing wrong with who I am and I need to stop acting like there is. I need to stop trying to fix what isn’t broken. All I’m doing is making myself feel inadequate. I need to go back to who I am at my core. There are some minor things I need to work on but they don’t change ME.

03/01/2014

I’m sore today. My left shoulder was burning with pain. I had to stop and stretch for almost ten minutes this morning after taking a muscle relaxant.

I need to stop letting society distort and disrupt my self esteem. I am who I am. I don’t need to conform to society. I can be me even if I’m not just like you.

Why am I just figuring this out? I’m forty-one years old. I should know who I am and why already! Is it just a stage of accepting my health issues? I have fibromyalgia and cervical spine degeneration and carpal tunnel disorder. I had thyroid cancer. Is it just part of adjusting and recreating an identity with chronic pain? Is this normal for someone in my situation? I think it is.

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